Heart is Breaking...

Father has been hospitalized for nearly 8 days by now.

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Although he has no immediate danger at this moment, his condition is very worrisome though. So, I made a quick arrangement, and flew back to see him on last weekend. After travelling for 11 hours, finally I was standing in front of his bed at 6pm that day. Gosh, we were so overwhelming to see each other, at that time, at that place.

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Since last year, father's health condition has been deteriorating fast. The chronic diabetic disease that he has been suffering for 20 years has gradually taken away his eyes sight, his kidney and his mobility. It's really heart breaking to see all this happenings, one after another.

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Father is a conventional type of father. I don't recall if we had ever talked about anything that is "deep" all these years. But, just before I left for the airport, suddenly he said to me that he had enough with his life. There is nothing or anyone that he feels reluctant to let go. So, it would be good if the doctor can just give him a shot so that he can "go" fast.

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I was speechless for quite a while, not knowing what was the right things to say to him. I just told him that he should cherish life no matter what, and since our country's law won't grant him his "will", he should just try to live his "remaining time" as good as he possibly can. I think all this would sound pretty superficial to him.

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On the way to the airport, I felt regret. I should have talked more to him. In fact, I didn't tell him what exactly I was thinking at that time...

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I wanted to tell him that I know exactly what he was trying to tell me. He is the one who got to go through all those suffering 'treatments' thereafter. If he doesn't wish to continue his life like this, I should respect his decision even though I don't agree with it.

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Also, I wanted to tell him that it's ok for me if he choose to stop at this stage. I wanted to tell him that he can go with a lighten heart, knowing that his sons and daughters will be feeling ok with his pass.

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I felt regret that I didn't tell him all this when he needed to talk it over with me. Why do I feel it so taboo to talk about his own death in front of him? After all, isn't it death is everyone's final destiny?

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If we have a chance to talk about this again, I decide I will walk him there. I think it would be terrifying for him to walk that distance alone. I hope he can make peace to everyone, and say proper good bye to everyone before his departure to another world.

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Dad, we both know the clock is ticking now. I will try to let go of you with grace. You too, ok?

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