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Monday, January 11, 2010

Heart is Breaking...

Father has been hospitalized for nearly 8 days by now.
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Although he has no immediate danger at this moment, his condition is very worrisome though. So, I made a quick arrangement, and flew back to see him on last weekend. After travelling for 11 hours, finally I was standing in front of his bed at 6pm that day. Gosh, we were so overwhelming to see each other, at that time, at that place.
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Since last year, father's health condition has been deteriorating fast. The chronic diabetic disease that he has been suffering for 20 years has gradually taken away his eyes sight, his kidney and his mobility. It's really heart breaking to see all this happenings, one after another.

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Father is a conventional type of father. I don't recall if we had ever talked about anything that is "deep" all these years. But, just before I left for the airport, suddenly he said to me that he had enough with his life. There is nothing or anyone that he feels reluctant to let go. So, it would be good if the doctor can just give him a shot so that he can "go" fast.
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I was speechless for quite a while, not knowing what was the right things to say to him. I just told him that he should cherish life no matter what, and since our country's law won't grant him his "will", he should just try to live his "remaining time" as good as he possibly can. I think all this would sound pretty superficial to him.
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On the way to the airport, I felt regret. I should have talked more to him. In fact, I didn't tell him what exactly I was thinking at that time...
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I wanted to tell him that I know exactly what he was trying to tell me. He is the one who got to go through all those suffering 'treatments' thereafter. If he doesn't wish to continue his life like this, I should respect his decision even though I don't agree with it.
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Also, I wanted to tell him that it's ok for me if he choose to stop at this stage. I wanted to tell him that he can go with a lighten heart, knowing that his sons and daughters will be feeling ok with his pass.
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I felt regret that I didn't tell him all this when he needed to talk it over with me. Why do I feel it so taboo to talk about his own death in front of him? After all, isn't it death is everyone's final destiny?
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If we have a chance to talk about this again, I decide I will walk him there. I think it would be terrifying for him to walk that distance alone. I hope he can make peace to everyone, and say proper good bye to everyone before his departure to another world.
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Dad, we both know the clock is ticking now. I will try to let go of you with grace. You too, ok?
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12 comments:

Gargles said...

dun feel so bad. i won't be able to say the right thing at that time too, if i were in your shoes.

i guess what matters most is that your dad seeing you and hearing you in person again. nothing beats that feeling more than any other words are said. and he might not be even listening too to what you have to say.

don't worry, everything will be fine. take care of yourself.

jessylee said...

Thx Gargles, for your comforting words.
Yeah, hope he will be fine again, soon.

Lee said...

<< Ecclesiastes 3 >>
New International Version

A Time for Everything

1There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

jessylee said...

Thanks LC.

What you have posted here is indeed very inspiring. We should take things with a normal heart.

Anonymous said...

Didn't know this until I read your blog today.

Glad to know your dad is okay now.
I saw him this CNY having breakfast together with you all.

Appreciate each moment we spend with our loved one, our family and our friends.

Rgds,
Wai Yun

jessylee said...

Wai Yun, thx for dropping by.

FYI, several days after you saw us taking breakfast together in the pasar, my dad has been hospitalized again. He stayed in the hospital for 3 days before he was discharged. His condition made us worried though...

Anonymous said...

Like it or not, 生老病死 is what everybody got to face

You look small in size but I know you are strong enough to face whatever come forth.

Anyway, I pray that your dad will recover soon and I can see you all again taking breakfast in the coming CNY...

Regards,
WaiYun

jessylee said...

Indeed, 生老病死 is a fact of life.
Can't help with that.

BTW, do I look that small in size meh?

Anonymous said...

ops...earlier on was pizza n now is small in size. Anyway, u know both r not true.

I should use the word slim instead. but small Vs strong more compatible as of slim Vs strong ma.

U said Yong Gu has eaten 防腐剂...u too could have consumed a bit liao as u look exactly as the same one i know since schooling time.

More prettier now with the "woman smell".....

hmm....smell nice ya!

Regards,
WaiYun

jessylee said...

wow...i'm so flaterred when you said I look prettier now and smell nice. thank you thank you.

You too, still slim and pretty and smell nice.


Actually, I try to avoid any foods that come with 防腐剂 or additive or coloring since several years ago wo. So, this theory doesn't work on me (hehe...)

Herme Hew said...

MY, I agreed with WY, you look gorgeous and almost no sign of aging on your face, jealous...
Why WY's id is anonymous? Seems familiar, does she has a blog name anonymous?

很抱歉,我也是刚刚才晓得你爸的病情,但愿他的病情能逐渐好转。
虽然生老病死是不能避免的事,但是我觉得uncle还很年轻,应该还可以多享几年清福。希望他吉人天相,大步跨过,续享安年!

jessylee said...

wow...once again, I'm so flattered. Thank you thank you. Hey, you too, look gorgeous.

About my dad, his condition is deteriorating as time pass. We just pray hard, that he will suffer less along the path.

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